Sunday, August 21, 2016

Letting Go of My Inner Control Freak

As I was scrolling through Instagram, I came across a quote that really just slapped me in the face. Ouch. At least that's how I felt after I read it.

Can I be real with you for a minute? I have been dealing with a constant battle with myself over the past few months about memories, and what memories my children would take with them when they move out. Do they have enough happy memories? Will they remember as adults how much I love them and cherish every single minute with them? Yes I homeschool them, but that's work to them. It's just what they have to do. 

It has become crystal clear to me that my oldest is already married and moved out, and my second child is well on his way. My 3rd baby will be 15 in a week, and the not so baby anymore child is now 11. Time is marching on and I feel like my time with them is slipping through my fingers. I don't want to blink my eyes again, and be an empty nester! I don't want this time with them to be me worrying about whether my house is clean or if the dishes are done. 

See I have OCD. I don't turn bath room faucets on and off for a certain number of times, but I do struggle with things being out of place, and also other aspects of it. It would take too long to go into all of my details, but I do struggle with it daily. I feel like I can't quite function or move on to another task if the first task isn't finished, or if my house isn't perfect, and of course this makes me literally have ADD because I can't concentrate due to being so overwhelmed in my head. My brain is like a ticker tape at the bottom of CNN. I've come to the conclusion that I need to make me a posterboard that says, "Uhhh Hello!! You don't live in a Better Homes and Gardens magazine! Plus, sorry girl, but with 3 kids, a dog, and a husband, things aren't ever going to be perfect and Pinteresty all the time!" Is Pinteresty even a word? If not, it is now.

I have realized that my days go like this. Get up. Get ready for the day. Have coffee. Read my bible and journal. Unload the dishwasher. Get kids up. Start school. Do chores. Start dinner. Eat. Do dishes. Maybe get to sit down and have a few minutes to crochet or read...and then. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Literally everyday. Uhhhh...this is no way to live! This isn't how I want to spend the rest of my days while my kids are still at home!

 I keep myself so busy with the running of the house, that I forget a lot of times to have fun with them. Isn't that one of the reasons I started homeschooling in the first place? To spend quality time with them? Gavin will ask, "Can we go to the park today?" 90% of the time, my answer is no because first of all we live in Texas and it's HOT, so we can't really go until the evening or early in the morning. Also, I know if we don't get done what needs to be done at the house then it will be double for me tomorrow....and that makes me feel overwhelmed...completely overwhelmed. 

The other thing I am terrible about is being in control. The kids ask me if they can help do things, and I know that I can get it done faster if I do it myself, so in an effort to not stress myself out by having to redo it, I stress myself out trying to do it all. Are you still with me? I know it doesn't make sense to most people, and if we're being honest here, it doesn't make sense to me either! I hate being a control freak. Seriously it's time for a change. 

After praying about it, and I'm not talking fancy praying. I'm talking prayers like, Hey God, You're in control now...not me. Change me. Mold me. I need this change. I need your guidance. I am ready to let God work on me and hand in my control freak personality. It's not going to be easy, but it will be worth it. My children's happiness is worth it. My happiness is worth it. My sanity is definitely worth it!

 I can honestly already see changes taking place. I feel so much better. Like the chains of my control freakiness are breaking! Thank you Jesus! Why didn't I come to you sooner? Oh yeah...that control thing. I have started getting the kids involved in cooking more..not just when we bake cookies together, but pretty much every time. Guess what. Messes are made...and I don't even stress about it anymore. Dishes pile up. Guess what. They get done. Someone forgot to wash their hands after touching raw meat before peeling the carrots. We just throw those 2 carrots out. No. Big. Thing. 

Just look at all of this sweetness helping me cook.

Life moved on and dishes didn't come crashing down on me. We worked as a team to cook and we worked as a team to clean it up. There's laundry on the floor of my hasn't gotten up and run away to a family who washes it more regularly. There's a random blanket thrown over the's still there, laying there lifeless and hasn't moved from where it was dropped so nonchalantly hours ago. It feels good to not stress. It feels good to know that I will get to it, and if I don't it will still be there. 

I have also decided that we are going to concentrate on our school for about 3 hours a day. After that we are going to head out to parks, go Geocaching, and see what else we can find to do. The laundry will still get done, and the carpets vacuumed...and most of all, more memories will be made. 

I'm getting back to the basics of why I wanted to homeschool in the first place. I'm letting go and letting God. I know that's an old saying, but it's so good, and so timely for me. 

I'm letting go of the stress. 
I'm letting go of the OCD and anxiety.
I'm letting go of the lists and the perfectionist in me. 

I'm going to start relying on Him, and the rest will fall into place. 

Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.-1 Peter 5:7 
Yes He does, and I am so thankful for that.

I hope everyone has a blessed week. We are going to be just living real life over here. No Pinterest necessary. 

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